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Marvel Movies Reviews Superheroes

Wild Review: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Wow! Cyclops made the poster. It’s weird how a static image projects more character than a moving picture does. Also, “Whose side are you on?” I didn’t think that was what this incoherent piece of trash was really about, but what do I know.

When I set out to review a movie I want to make sure that my reviews make sense, that they are coherent enough so people can understand my perspective on the movie and also what the movie is about; I’m not sure if I always succeed in doing that, but that is my aim. Having said that…X-Men: The Last Stand is a pile of shit, coincidentally it was also directed by one–don’t confuse this with the professional asshole from my last two reviews this is a different person who is also a total piece of garbage. Now, I don’t dislike this movie because of the pile of shit that was behind the camera, I dislike it because he somehow displayed his shit on camera for the whole world to see. There are plenty of talented actors in this movie, many which I adore and respect, but that cannot save this movie from being the pile of trash that it is.

This movie pretty much fails on every level. Not only is it poorly directed and written, but it is also as boring as watching paint dry. Actually, I would rather watch paint dry because at least I am accomplishing something by making sure that my work is done, nothing is accomplished in this movie other than misunderstanding characters and basic storytelling.

This story is supposed to be the culmination of everything that has transpired over the past two films, but the only thing it has in common with the previous two films is that it doesn’t know what to do with Cyclops, instead, he gets a shitty off-screen death that fits the absolute nothing of material that he was presented in the previous installments. This movie is supposed to finish Jean Grey’s arc as well, showing her transition into the Dark Phoenix–this movie is the first of two failed adaptations of a classic comic book arc–but instead Jean Grey becomes a lackey to Magneto’s band of weirdo villains who are trying to destroy “cure” for mutants. This cure comes in the form of a character named…who the fuck cares. He is given no more than 10 minutes of screen time at most and serves as an object rather than a character.

The only two things I like are the castings of Kelsey Grammar as Beast (who is not used properly), and the addition of Elliot Page as Kitty Pride (a personnel favorite X-Men character of mine who again is given shit to work with). Also, can someone tell the pile of shit that directed this movie that Juggernaut isn’t a mutant so the Mutant Suppressor Non-Character boy shouldn’t affect his abilities? What does it matter? This movie doesn’t care and why should you. I have a feeling when James Marsden and Patrick Stewart read the script they went and celebrated the fact that they got to be killed off, I know I would rather die than sit through this movie again. There is a possibility that movies like this cause brain aneurysms so watch with caution. Now, you are probably thinking to yourself: It can’t get worse than this…but it does. Next up is X-Men Origins: Wolverine which is even more of a waste of time, although it wasn’t directed by a professional asshole or a pile of shit so it is a move in a proper direction…well the professional asshole does come back at some point.

Rating 1.5/5

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Marvel Movies Reviews Superheroes

X2: X-Men United (2003) Review: An excellent comic book sequel that improves on the first movies already good quality.

I like that they put Cyclops near the front of the poster but forgot to make him an actual character in the movie.

X2: X-Men United, still directed by the same professional asshole, is an example of a sequel that surpasses the original. I’ve always complained about the X-Men movies being low-key Wolverine films, and while that still somewhat applies to this movie, I forgot how much more of an ensemble this movie is. Characters like Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming), Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), Storm (Halle Berry), and Magneto (Ian McKellen) get plenty of screen time and character development that adds to the team element that I feel these movies should have more of. Some of the characters get sidelined, looking at Cyclops here who gets the Hawkeye treatment of being brainwashed by the villain early on and then doing absolutely nothing, but all in all this movie does an excellent job of building up the fact that this is a team, not a solo effort. Hell, we even have Magneto acknowledging the Wolverine-centric previous movie by saying, “You still think this is all about you,” this is probably paraphrasing, but it stands to show that this movie is attempting to be more about the team than just one character.

The plot of this movie follows the themes that the previous movie established, dealing with people’s intolerance of mutants and the lengths they will go to eliminate that threat. Following a threat on the President’s life by a brainwashed Nightcrawler–an excellent scene that remains one of my favorite comic book movie moments–people begin fearing mutants even more which makes the President contact a man named William Stryker. William Stryker, played wonderfully by Brian Cox, is an excellent antagonist. He not only serves as a threat to mutant-kind but is also a shadowy figure from Wolverine’s past that adds a layer of mystery to the action elements of the story. While Stryker’s nefarious goal seems generic, eliminate all mutants, the villain is given a clear motive and we see what dangerous lengths prejudice can lead to.

One of my favorite aspects of this movie has always been the team up the X-Men have with Magneto and Mystique, the only remaining members of Magneto’s Brotherhood–they get a new addition at the end with Pyro joining the team. This team-up shows that while the X-Men and Magneto have differing goals and methods, their viewpoints are not that different and they are fighting similar fights. We see that Magneto is less of a pure villain and more of a misguided man that has been corrupted by the darkness he has witnessed over his lifetime. We even see Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) getting some deeper character development with limited screen time. We know that she is someone that has been judged by her appearance, and based on her brief conversation with Nightcrawler we gain some sympathy for her even though she has been apart of some atrocious acts. This movie gives mutants a common enemy in William Stryker allowing for the filmmakers to develop the world.

X2 is an improvement on a movie that was already good. The characters are given more screen time and the filmmakers build out the world by giving the mutants a common enemy in William Stryker. The movie ends with a set-up for a sequel, and I can already tell you that payoff is not worth it–that review will be coming soon.

Rating 4/5

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Marvel Movies Reviews Superheroes

X-Men (2000) Review: An early and important entry into the superhero movie genre.

X-Men. Directed by an asshole and starring some impressive actors who deserve the movies credit over him.

X-Men, directed by a professional piece of shit, was released in 2000, way before the onslaught of comic book movies and television shows that audiences are used to today. Before X-Men, the primary comic book/superhero films that had been released were four Superman films of varying quality–and by that I mean it ranged from good to abysmal–and four Batman films of varying quality (see my comment about the Superman films). Comic book films in the early 2000s weren’t at the same level that we see now. X-men was something unique and special and we can attribute the success of the MCU to its success and the success of the Spider-Man trilogy that would begin shortly after this movie was released.

X-Men tells the story of a group of people called mutants and explores how they are faced with prejudice and bigotry from a world that doesn’t understand them. It is common knowledge that Stan Lee began writing the X-Men series to comment on the civil rights movement that was brewing in our own country at that time. One could argue now would be the perfect time to see the X-Men come back into the forefront of superhero media as a way to comment on the turmoil we see minorities still facing to this day.

This particular X-Men story focuses on the character of Wolverine, iconically portrayed by Hugh Jackman, and Rogue, played by Anna Paquin, as they enter into the larger mutant world. Both Wolverine and Rogue are taken in by Professor Charles Xavier, played by Patrick Stewart, who runs a school for mutants. There they meet Cyclops (James Marsden), Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), Storm (Halle Berry), and come into contact with radical mutants such as Magneto (Ian McKellan), Mystique (Rebecca Romijn), Toad (Ray Park), and Sabertooth (Tyler Mane). The differing viewpoints of Xavier’s X-Men and Magneto’s Brotherhood of Mutants drive the primary conflict of the story. Charles wants cohabitation with humanity, but Magento wants superiority. Magneto is a holocaust survivor and is plagued by the haunting memories of what humans are capable of, ironically he becomes the same kind of monster subjecting others to violence and terror through prejudice and fear.


If I had one complaint about the movie, it would be that Wolverine takes too much of the center stage. He is an iconic character and I think it is an excellent idea to use him and Rogue as a way to help explain the world to the audience, but for me, X-Men has so many excellent and iconic characters that fall to the wayside so the movie can show the badassery of Wolverine. Cyclops, who is a massively important figure in X-Men comics and stories is here played as the butt monkey. His heroism and leadership are portrayed as corny and unnecessary next to the gruff and gritty Wolverine. Another complaint, and this is a personal preference, I hate the black leather costumes. The costumes from the comics are colorful and add layers to the characters that wear them; what we get here are knockoffs from a Joel Schumacher Batman film, minus the nipples.

X-Men is an iconic and important movie that helped design and influence the culture of blockbuster movies today. It is not without its flaws, but if you are looking for an entertaining action film with some excellent performances you can’t go wrong with X-Men.

Rating 3.5/5