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Marvel Movies Reviews Superheroes

Wild Review: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Wow! Cyclops made the poster. It’s weird how a static image projects more character than a moving picture does. Also, “Whose side are you on?” I didn’t think that was what this incoherent piece of trash was really about, but what do I know.

When I set out to review a movie I want to make sure that my reviews make sense, that they are coherent enough so people can understand my perspective on the movie and also what the movie is about; I’m not sure if I always succeed in doing that, but that is my aim. Having said that…X-Men: The Last Stand is a pile of shit, coincidentally it was also directed by one–don’t confuse this with the professional asshole from my last two reviews this is a different person who is also a total piece of garbage. Now, I don’t dislike this movie because of the pile of shit that was behind the camera, I dislike it because he somehow displayed his shit on camera for the whole world to see. There are plenty of talented actors in this movie, many which I adore and respect, but that cannot save this movie from being the pile of trash that it is.

This movie pretty much fails on every level. Not only is it poorly directed and written, but it is also as boring as watching paint dry. Actually, I would rather watch paint dry because at least I am accomplishing something by making sure that my work is done, nothing is accomplished in this movie other than misunderstanding characters and basic storytelling.

This story is supposed to be the culmination of everything that has transpired over the past two films, but the only thing it has in common with the previous two films is that it doesn’t know what to do with Cyclops, instead, he gets a shitty off-screen death that fits the absolute nothing of material that he was presented in the previous installments. This movie is supposed to finish Jean Grey’s arc as well, showing her transition into the Dark Phoenix–this movie is the first of two failed adaptations of a classic comic book arc–but instead Jean Grey becomes a lackey to Magneto’s band of weirdo villains who are trying to destroy “cure” for mutants. This cure comes in the form of a character named…who the fuck cares. He is given no more than 10 minutes of screen time at most and serves as an object rather than a character.

The only two things I like are the castings of Kelsey Grammar as Beast (who is not used properly), and the addition of Elliot Page as Kitty Pride (a personnel favorite X-Men character of mine who again is given shit to work with). Also, can someone tell the pile of shit that directed this movie that Juggernaut isn’t a mutant so the Mutant Suppressor Non-Character boy shouldn’t affect his abilities? What does it matter? This movie doesn’t care and why should you. I have a feeling when James Marsden and Patrick Stewart read the script they went and celebrated the fact that they got to be killed off, I know I would rather die than sit through this movie again. There is a possibility that movies like this cause brain aneurysms so watch with caution. Now, you are probably thinking to yourself: It can’t get worse than this…but it does. Next up is X-Men Origins: Wolverine which is even more of a waste of time, although it wasn’t directed by a professional asshole or a pile of shit so it is a move in a proper direction…well the professional asshole does come back at some point.

Rating 1.5/5

By Film Slut

I am a creative writer who enjoys writing short fiction, poetry, short scripts, critical essays, and film reviews. I have been described as a “film slut” because I spend the majority of my life trying to watch every movie made.

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